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somebody is very
proud of you.
somebody is thinking
of you.
somebody is caring
about you.
somebody misses
you.
somebody wants
to talk to you.
somebody wants
to be with you.
somebody hopes
you aren't in trouble.
somebody is thankful
for the support you have provided.
somebody wants
to hold your hand.
somebody hopes
everything turns out all right.
somebody wants
you to be happy.
somebody wants
you to find him/her.
somebody is celebrating
your successes.
somebody wants
to give you a gift.
somebody thinks
that you ARE a gift.
somebody hopes
you're not too cold, or too hot
somebody wants
to hug you.
somebody loves
you.
somebody admires
your strength.
somebody is thinking
of you and smiling.
somebody wants
to be your shoulder to cry on.
somebody wants
to go out with you and have a lot of fun.
somebody thinks
the world of you.
somebody wants
to protect you.
somebody would
do anything for you.
somebody wants
to be forgiven.
somebody is grateful
for your forgiveness.
somebody wants
to laugh with you.
somebody remembers
you and wishes that you were there.
somebody is praising
God for you.
somebody needs
to know that your love is unconditional.
somebody values
your advice.
somebody wants
to tell you how much they care.
somebody wants
to share their dreams with you.
somebody wants
to hold you in their arms.
somebody wants
YOU to hold them in your arms.
somebody treasures
your spirit.
somebody wishes
they could STOP time because of you.
somebody praises
God for your friendship and love.
somebody can't
wait to see you.
somebody loves
you for who you are.
somebody loves
the way you make them feel.
somebody wants
to be with you.
somebody wants
you to know they are there for you.
somebody's glad
that you're his/her friend.
somebody wants
to be your friend.
somebody stayed
up all night thinking about you.
somebody is alive
because of you.
somebody is wishing
that you noticed him/her.
somebody wants
to get to know you better.
somebody wants
to be near you.
somebody misses
your advice/guidance.
somebody has
faith in you.
somebody trusts
you.
somebody needs
you to send them this letter
somebody needs
your support.
somebody needs
you to have faith in them.
somebody will
cry when they read this.
somebody needs
you to let them be your friend.
somebody hears
a song that reminds them of you.
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
Answering Machine Messages
(For Shakespeare lovers only:)
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
I am not home to talk to you,
But please don't be a creep.
Just leave your name and number,
At the sound of the...
These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.
Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!
Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.
Hi! John's answering
machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak
very slowly,
and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
This is Fred.
We are not... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down.
PUT YOUR SISTER
DOWN! (Sound of window breaking.) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get
back to you later.
Where's my phone? Don't hang up i'll be with you in a second... look at this mess... (getting really mad) WHERE'S THE PHONE?! Where the ... *Beep*
50 Fun Things to Do in a Final That Does Not
Matter
(i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get
on the final
exam)
1.Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes.
Wake up, say
"oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a
few
minutes early.
2.Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the
secret
documents!!"
3.If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay
form,
answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4.Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5.Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your
answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure
you
can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor
is.
6.Bring cheerleaders.
7.Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say
to the
instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture
all
semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular
guy?"
8.Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
9.On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse
to
answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on
the
grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10.Bring pets.
11.Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of
relief. Go to
the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and
run off.
12.Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
very small
pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're
really
daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat
this
process every fifteen minutes.
13.Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14.Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head,
and
nothing else.
15.Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as
vulgar as possible.
16.Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make
one up!
For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17.Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame
it on the
person nearest to you.
18.As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19.Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping
your
next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay,
be
persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if
they are
allowed to stay.
20.Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another
seat,
continue with the exam.
21.Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out,
start
commenting on how easy it was.
22.Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it
is a multiple
choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
23.Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
completely
blacked out.
24.Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently,
scream
out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25.Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor
that whether
or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink
26.Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during
the
exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27.Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why,
tell him/her in
a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on abovmy head when I
get an
idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!
28.Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29.Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put
on a white
mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they
drag you
away.
30.Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
class is
very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim
that
you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31.Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you
don't really
expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32.Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33.From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the
instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave
one way
or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34.Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35.If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you
could
possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If
it is a
written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36.Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37.Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the
exam. Insist
this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38.Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like
history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing,
you're getting
kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use
the
attached notes for references as you see fit."
39.When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40.After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question,
ask for the
answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41.One word: Wrestlemania.
42.Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do
before
concerts start.
43.Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44.Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45.Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you.
46.Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to
you every few
minutes throughout the exam.
47.During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything
you
can reach.
48.Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90
degree
angle.
49.Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are
asked to stop,
say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you,
challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during
finals.
Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50.Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"
~~~ Creative Pizza orders ~~~
1. If using a touch-tone,
press random numbers while ordering. Ask the
person taking the
order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card
name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where
applicable. "10-4 Good Buddy!"
4. Order a Big Mac
Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call
with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order
taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and
you're going with
the lowest bidder.
7. Give your address
and exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions
with questions.
9. Tell them to put
the crust on top this time.
10. Do not name the
toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
11. Put an extra edge
in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
12. Stutter on the
letter "p."
13. Ask for a deal
available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's,
ask for a Cheeser!
Cheeser!) INSIST they have it.
14. Crack your knuckles
into the receiver.
15. If they repeat
the order to make sure they have it right, say, “Okay,
that'll be $10.99;
please pull up to the first window."
16. Ask if you could
just rent a pizza.
17. Ask if you get
to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a
sigh of relief.
18. Put the accent
on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long
"i" sound.
19. Ask to have your
pizza "shaken, not stirred."
20. When they say,
"What would you like?" say, "Huh? You mean now?"
21. Say it's your
friend's birthday and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid
behind some furniture
waiting for your friend to arrive so you can surprise
him/her.
22. Ask if the delivery
person could first bring you a menu.
23. Order a slice,
not a whole pizza.
24. Order two toppings,
then say, "No, that won't work. They'll start
fighting."
25. Tell the order
taker, to tell the manager, to tell his supervisor he's
fired.
26. Ask for the guy
who took your order last time.
27. Try to talk while
drinking something.
28. Ask if the pizza
is organically grown.
29. After ordering,
say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does."
Simulate a cutoff.
30. Ask if they're
familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up
a description to go
with the term. Ask to have your pizza "spanked".
31. When listing
toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
32. Ask if they would
like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
33. Put them on hold.
34. Tell the order
taker that you will have to give him your order in
secret code.
35. Make the first
topping you order mushrooms. At the end of your order,
say, "No mushrooms,
please."
36. When the order
is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated
again, change it again.
On the third time, say, "You just don't get it,
do you?"
37. When you're given
the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I
hate math."
38. Haggle for a better
price on your pizza.
39. Order a four-inch
pizza.
40. Ask if any dolphins
had to be killed to make your pizza.
41. Tell them that
you don't have any money, but could swap them a piece
of your furniture
for a pizza.
42. Order a steamed
pizza.
43. If any of the
above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in
your best pouty voice,
"The last guy let me do it."
50 Fun Things to Do In Class
by Alan Meiss
1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the
professor makes by waving it and
saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the
professor to focus the
overhead projector.
3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture
filing your teeth into sharp points.
4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
5. When the professor calls your name in roll,
respond "that's my name, don't
wear it out!"
6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master
of the pan flute".
7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower.
Ask him where his soul would
go if he died tomorrow.
8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the
professor to speak louder.
9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor
strange looks. In the middle
of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask
whether he was ever in an episode
of Starsky and Hutch.
11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on
the test. If the professor says no, rip
the pages out of your textbook.
12. Become entranced with your first physics
lecture, and declare your intention
to pursue a career in measurements and units.
13. Sing your questions.
14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog
theme.
15. When the professor calls roll, after each
name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE!
Oh, no, sorry."
16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name
really is Wuchen Li. If you
actually are Chinese, insist that your name is
Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
17. Page through the textbook scratching each
picture and sniffing it.
18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice
that you've done so.
19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large
letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty,
and have a friend bang
cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch.
Occassionally lick your lips.
22. Address the professor as "your excellency".
23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and
ask the professor if he's been
drinking.
24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the
lecture.
25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing
Bible verses on your face.
26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
27. Present the professor with a large fruit
basket.
28. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly
ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee
henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor
can't understand you.
30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk
stuffed in the chalkboard
erasers.
31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend"
in the empty seat beside you, and
ask for one extra copy of each handout.
34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer,
scream "AAAGH! MY
EYES!"
35. Correct the professor at least ten times
on the pronunciation of your name,
even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's
graduate thesis and snickering.
37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer
to put a problem on the board.
Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do
so anyway.
38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the
real one objects, jump up and
scream "IMPOSTER!"
40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other
students.
41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook
paper, write "Signup Sheet #5"
at the top, and start passing it around the room.
42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before
taking your seat after the
professor answers.
43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates
that the S stands for
"stud".
44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor,
"Can you spell that?"
45. Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel
pieces across the room while
playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions
to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.
46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor
whether he believes in ghosts.
48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor
says. Snort when you laugh.
49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring
a bell.
50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll
chart above the blackboard of
ancient Greek trade routes down farther because
you can't see Macedonia.
Some Really Funny Signs
SIGN ON AN ELECTRICIAN'S
TRUCK:
Let us remove your
shorts
MATERNITY CLOTHES SHOP
We are open on labor
day
ON MATERNITY ROOM DOOR:
'Push, Push, Push'
ON A FRONT DOOR:
Everyone on the premises
is a vegetarian except the dog
SCIENTIST'S DOOR:
Gone Fission
TAXIDERMIST WINDOW:
We really know our
stuff
PODIATRIST'S WINDOW:
Time wounds all heels
BUTCHER'S WINDOW:
Let me meat your needs
USED CAR LOT:
Second Hand cars in
first crash condition
SIGN ON FENCE:
'Salesmen welcome.
Dog food is expensive'
CAR DEALERSHIP:
The best way to get
back on your feet - miss a car payment
MUFFLER SHOP:
No appointment necessary.
We'll hear you coming
NON-SMOKING AREA:
If we see you smoking
we will assume you are on fire and take
Appropriate action
OPTOMETRIST'S OFFICE:
If you don't see what
you're looking for, you've come to the
right place
Prison Vs. School
IN PRISON you spend the majority of your
time in an 8x10 cell.
AT SCHOOL you spend most of your time at
a desk that sticks to your butt
IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT SCHOOL you only get a break for 1
meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON you get time off for good
behavior.
AT SCHOOL you get rewarded for good
behavior by being called the teachers pet.
IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all
the doors for you.
AT SCHOOL u get locked out of your
classroom from the outside
IN PRISON you can watch TV and play
games.
AT SCHOOL you get detention for playing
games.
IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT SCHOOL you have to share and wait
your turn on line.
IN PRISON they allow your family and
friends to visit.
AT SCHOOL you cannot even speak to your
family and friends.
IN PRISON you spend most of your life
looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
AT SCHOOL you spend most of your time
wanting to get out and go inside bars.
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